There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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