I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's Friday. Sex?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
