I wish I could teleport
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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