I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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