made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
