my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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