i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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