Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize