Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
