you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
