She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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