TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
