Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize