Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
