i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
