I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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