I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
