you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
