I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
