Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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