I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
