The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
