i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize