I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
