I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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