I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
