i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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