He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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