If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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