At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
