Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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