My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
