Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
