Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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