Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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