Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
