I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
