Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
