She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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