Swine flu. Run for my life!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
