I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
two words: eviction party
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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