I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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