"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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