i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize