I can text with my tongue
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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