she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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