As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I party with great urgency now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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