i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
All I want is dick and wine.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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