Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She told me I should be a condom model.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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