she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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