You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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