I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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