you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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