She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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