its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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