Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
