The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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