I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
