My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
