dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
