my phone needs a breathalizer
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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