so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
