Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
