I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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