he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
