at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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