sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
