I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
