Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im six kinds of drunk right now
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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