you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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