i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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