I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
